8 Tips to Help You Navigate Family Dynamics During the Holidays

By Julia Salerno, M.S., LPC

It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. A time of year that is supposed to be filled with happiness, joy, and love. A time of year that is spent with loved ones, connecting over meals, parties, and events alike. But for many, including yourself, this time of year is far from that.

It’s overwhelming, anxiety-inducing, stressful, and triggering in many ways.

For you, it feels like the worst time of year because you have to get together with your family.

Instead of seeing the shining lights and feeling the joy of celebrations, you find yourself confronted with reminders of the past hurt and traumas that you experienced. These memories and emotions often create a heaviness in your heart, casting a shadow over what should be a joyful time of year.

Dealing with family during the holiday season, especially when it comes to old childhood wounds, often involves an intricate dance that requires delicate footwork. This dance is not one of celebration, but rather one of navigating the minefield of buried emotions, lingering memories, and unspoken expectations. It's a dance that can be both draining and challenging, as you find yourself tip-toeing around sensitive topics and tiptoeing on thin ice to avoid triggering the past. You carefully choose your steps, attempting to avoid stepping on any emotional landmines that could potentially ignite conflict or reopen old wounds. The holiday season becomes a tangled web of emotions interwoven with anticipation and apprehension.

It’s hard to fully enjoy the festive cheer when you are weighed down by the weight of past memories and the fear of facing those who have caused you harm. Which is why the decorations and twinkling lights that once filled you with excitement now serve as painful reminders of the pain and trauma you endured.

The joyous sounds and scents of the season are overshadowed by the anxiety and unease that accompany family gatherings.

But amidst this struggle, it's crucial to remember that you are not alone. Many individuals, just like yourself, experience a wide range of emotions and challenges during this time of year. And, I’m here to help you figure out and navigate these situations with tools. There are tools you can incorporate into your holiday toolbox to help navigate these challenging moments. From grounding exercises to self-care practices like mindfulness or journaling, finding what works for you can make a significant difference in managing the holiday’s.

8 Ways to Cope with Family Trauma During the Holidays

1. Be Aware of Your Triggers—During the holidays, trauma can be more intense because there are many things that can remind you of past experiences—like songs, smells, decorations, and family members. It's helpful to know what triggers your trauma in advance so you can prepare. But if you don't know your triggers, it's okay. You just need to recognize them when they happen. Once you do, you can make choices to protect your emotional well-being. It's important to remember that triggers are just reminders of a past event. Our brain might think the trauma is happening again, which causes our emotions to become intense. But you can pause and remind yourself that the trauma is not happening now and you are safe. Even though it may feel like you're reliving the traumatic event, you need to use your conscious mind to stay grounded. You can take a moment to calm down, focus on your breathing, or leave the situation if you need to.

2. Self-Compassion & Boundaries—Navigating family trauma requires strength, self-compassion, and boundaries. It's important to recognize that it's okay to prioritize your mental health and well-being during this time. Setting clear boundaries with your family, whether it be limiting the amount of time spent with them or choosing to distance yourself altogether, it can be essential for your emotional survival.

3. Make Self-Care a Priority—The holiday season can be exhausting and stressful. But if you have experienced trauma during this time, it can be even harder. When triggered, people often turn to unhealthy ways of coping. It's important to prioritize self-care during this time, even if it feels tough. Make sure to rest, get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise. When triggered, try calming techniques like meditation or deep breathing. Most importantly, do things that bring you joy, like reading, listening to music, or going for a walk. Take control of the holiday season instead of letting it control you!

4. Leaning on Your Support System—Finding support from trusted friends, or even seeking professional help, can also be crucial during this time. Therapists who specialize in trauma and family dynamics can provide a safe space for you to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. They can help you navigate the complex terrain of family interactions, providing guidance and support as you work towards healing and growth.

5. Create Your Own Holiday Traditions—Find your own path and do what brings you joy. Life often requires us to change and let go of what no longer serves us. We may outgrow people and traditions. Create new traditions that reflect who you are and what brings you peace. You are allowed to create your own traditions that are meaningful to you!

6. Grounding Yourself—If you're feeling upset and can't calm down, try grounding exercises to help yourself. If you can't stop thinking about traumatic things, focus on what's around you right now using your senses. Feel the ground beneath your feet and name five real objects you see. Listen for five sounds that aren't people talking, like a pen tapping or a car passing by. Notice how your body feels, like your breath and the warmth in the room. If it's still too much, start with four, three, two, or one thing using your senses. Practice this exercise whenever you need to, even when you're not upset. It'll help your body handle distressing moments better.

7. Avoid Turning to Substances—The holidays can bring anxiety, parties, loneliness, and lots of alcohol. Some people use alcohol to escape or numb their feelings. It may seem like a tempting solution to deal with anxiety, fit in, or speak up. But alcohol can actually makes things worse. It interferes with your thinking and can cause bad decisions. You might argue, act irrationally, or feel even more miserable. So, plan ahead and commit not to drink too much, or not at all. Have tea or another non-alcoholic drink instead!

8. You Have a Choice—Remember that you have a right to decide not to attend a holiday gathering without explaining yourself. If you believe that you will feel unsafe, you can set boundaries for yourself. You have the right to say no, change your mind or make choices that are right for you. Take control of your choices, know that you can use your voice to say no, set boundaries and have it be respected.

Past family trauma’s can often flare up during the holiday season, making it a tough time.

However, it’s important to remember that incorporating these tools into your holiday tool box can help you better managing and navigate challenge moments.

You have the power to control of the holidays and give them a new meaning that focuses on your well-being. Whether that is by intentionally creating new traditions that prioritize your mental and emotional health, learning on your chosen support system, setting boundaries and understanding your triggers, you can give yourself the strength and self-care needed to handle the holiday season.

We provide EMDR Therapy in Philadelphia, Bryn Mawr and Online throughout Pennsylvania to help with triggers, trauma resolution and PTSD symptoms.

Spilove Psychotherapy is here to support you in dealing with past difficult experiences. Reaching out to us can help you take control of the holiday season, redefine its significance, and establish new traditions that focus on your overall mental and emotional health.