Boundaries for Self-Respect and Self-Care
What do you do when a family member is addicted?
Does alcoholism or drug addiction run in your family? Are you married to someone or co-parenting with someone who struggles with drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, mental health issues or other things that affect your relationship with them? Are there times where you’re feeling angry and hurt because your loved one calls you drunk or abuses you during a mental health episode?
How to Handle Boundaries with Family or Loved Ones with Mental Health Issues
I know my clients can certainly relate to this and they often find themselves feeling guilty when they avoid their loved ones or when other family members ask them to engage with the addicted member. Addiction and other mental health conditions are systemic issues, which means, one person’s drug use or diagnosis affects the entire family system.
Boundaries are Tough
Setting boundaries with a loved one is not a simple or easy feat. You may be unsure what appropriate boundaries are and even if you do, often times, guilt and shame can come up around setting boundaries. Here at Spilove Psychotherapy, we are all too aware of how difficult this can be for EVERYONE involved. We work with all of the system members: the addicted, the teen and adult children of alcoholics, the spouses or partners of alcoholics and addicts and the family as a whole. So, we know how tough this can be and a letter template (below) does not resolve the systemic issue.
How to Set Boundaries
However, I did create this template as a starting point for my clients to broach an addicted or alcoholic loved one. It can be used for people who have eating disorders or other mental health issues too. I thought I’d share in case it can be helpful for anyone out there wanting more self-respect and looking for ways to achieve that. Feel free to copy this letter and change it to make it your own.
As always, if you’d like to learn more about adult children of alcoholics, how alcoholism, drug addiction, mental health and eating disorders can affect loved ones, contact us here to speak with a member of our team and click the button below to book an appointment for online therapy:
Example Letter Template for Setting Boundaries and Loving Limits with a Loved One
Dear ________,
I am writing to acknowledge our relationship and how difficult things have been for us. I love you and hope that we can find a way to have a relationship that is safe and enjoyable for both me and you. When you ______ (drink, act in your ED, yell at me, etc.), I feel ______ (core emotion(s)) and I need to set up some parameters in order to take care of myself:
When you _____ (specific behavior i.e. call me drunk), I feel _____ (core emotions) and I request that you ___________ (i.e. only call me when you’re sober).
If you ________ (behavior) again, I will __________ (action you’ll take to protect yourself I.e. hang up the phone immediately.
(you can repeat these statements for several behaviors – you might want to stick with 3 or less to start)
(Overall request or if you’ve tried this shorter boundary several times and it is not respected)
I request that ___________ (big request i.e. you stay sober), I am interested in attempting a new relationship with you ______ (sober).
(Use this space to write about what you’d like to see from them, here is an example:
6 months sober
Seeing a therapist weekly
Under the care of a psychiatrist and staying compliant with psych meds.
Once you’ve gone for _____ months/years sober and are working a program with a sponsor and your treatment team, then please contact me so we can try a new approach to our relationship.)
(end with hope and gratitude)
I love you and hope to see you changing your life for the benefit of our relationship and yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely,
_______